What kind of desperate woman can a woman who raises her child alone?

A single mother who works as a nurse feels that the time in life is really only a few minutes after taking off the nurse’s clothes in the locker room. A mother who worked in a game company had to give up all the work that required long hours of overtime and weekends. In fact, from the past “widowed” marriage, she needed to take two or three months old children in the shower. Bring it into the bathroom and put it in the wash basin covered with thick soft towels. A mother who raised her daughter in Beijing alone had to ride an electric car, a bus and a subway for a while, and spent five hours commuting to and from her daughter. She said: “They all say that the three legs are standing, the three legs are the most. Steady, but I have been standing on one leg.” Also outside the Fifth Ring Road in Beijing, Fan Yusu, who has been working as a nanny for a long time, can only choose to leave her only daughter in the home of Pi Village. My daughter learned to cook at the age of 6 and looked after her sister at home. Fan Yusu could only go home once a week. When she woke up in the middle of the night to feed the milk of the employer’s child, she thought of her two daughters in the house and she burst into tears.

Every 2 seconds, a newborn baby falls to the ground in this country. In about 430 million families, their advent is accompanied by crying and laughter, restlessness and ecstasy, and it also means that there may be another group at any time – the emergence of a single mother. Their existence is secretive and huge. Among the 23.96 million single-parent families in the country, 70% of them are single-parent mothers, and they are happy, struggling and embarrassed in this independent role.

If it weren’t for the focus of extreme cases in social news, people often don’t realize what kind of desperation a person who raises a child alone can reach. In Wuhan, Li Shaoyun, a single-parent mother who is a taxi driver, can only carry her daughter’s work. The 4-year-old daughter lives in a taxi in most places except in kindergarten. From the time of her baby to now, she is in the co-pilot. The seat grew up from a straight leg and became a bent leg to lie down. In Changsha, a single mother who raised two children alone was injured by a small car. After being told by the doctor that she could not move as usual in a short period of time, she proposed that the injured party should not be required to make financial compensation. “This time you can take care of your child.” In Chongqing, a single mother with a 3-year-old son who went to the hospital to check for congenital heart disease was told to pay thousands of dollars and then entrusted the child to a stranger who also took the child. She disappeared until the child It was re-appeared after being sent to the welfare home for a month – she originally planned to pick up the child after returning to work, and the work was still no progress near the child’s birthday.

According to the statistics of the All-China Women’s Federation, in China’s divorced families, only one of the six men chooses to raise children. The number of single mothers is much higher than that of single-parent fathers. This does not include those who are single-parent because of widowhood and separation. The mother, as well as the mother of the marriage system, such as unmarried and surrogate.

When the pressure of family and work is all burdened on one person, the first time is the time of single mothers. A Shanghai mother working in the real estate industry rented a house near the company. Because her parents could not come to take care of her, she still lived with a good-looking former mother-in-law who sent her to her during her work hours. . Another 35-year-old single mother in Shanghai was complained by the same passengers because she read aloud the English Advanced Interpretation Course on the bus. This is a 6-year-old daughter who is looking forward to enter the Global 500 with an advanced English interpreter certificate. The working mother feels helpless: “Because I am busy at work, I have to take time to study, including when I go to work by bus.”

A single mother who works as a nurse feels that the time in life is really only a few minutes after taking off the nurse’s clothes in the locker room. A mother who worked in a game company had to give up all the work that required long hours of overtime and weekends. In fact, from the past “widowed” marriage, she needed to take two or three months old children in the shower. Bring it into the bathroom and put it in the wash basin covered with thick soft towels. A mother who raised her daughter in Beijing alone had to ride an electric car, a bus and a subway for a while, and spent five hours commuting to and from her daughter. She said: “They all say that the three legs are standing, the three legs are the most. Steady, but I have been standing on one leg.” Also outside the Fifth Ring Road in Beijing, Fan Yusu, who has been working as a nanny for a long time, can only choose to leave her only daughter in the home of Pi Village. My daughter learned to cook at the age of 6 and looked after her sister at home. Fan Yusu could only go home once a week. When she woke up in the middle of the night to feed the milk of the employer’s child, she thought of her two daughters in the house and she burst into tears.

For mothers who choose to be full-time housewives at home because of fertility, the fragmentation of marriage may cause life to fall quickly in unexpected ways. Before the promulgation of the “New Marriage Law” in 2011, the marriage room was generally considered to be the joint property of the husband and wife before the divorce. After the implementation of the new law, women who devote themselves to housework and caring for the elderly and children without property rights may have no income during their full-time employment. When the husband transferred his property, he became nothing in the moment, and he became the “newly vulnerable group in the city” described by Chen Yizhen, a researcher at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. In the absence of everything and the need to raise children, all the constraints were multiplied. Take 2 or more.

A Tianjin mother who originally worked in a state-owned enterprise, in the absence of income in the month, sold a mobile phone for the first time, staring at promotional information to buy cheap milk powder that was nearing expiration. The mother who worked in the game company had only 3,000 part-time jobs after divorce. After deducting the rent and insurance costs, she decided to leave the budget for eating and drinking to the child, and she took a month’s gimmick, or Water boiled noodles with sugar. A mother who had worked stably in telecommunications and international insurance companies had to spend more than three hours a day after work to make fun and lively sex products after the children got polio. “It’s all old. the man”. They may also be under negative assets in extreme situations. Xu Li, a single mother in Hangzhou, received a subpoena from the court after divorce. She was told that her husband owed more than 3 million debts and became a party to the debt. Originally a middle-level cadre of the bank, her salary was executed by the court, and she was discharged from her home. She and her children’s daily life depended on the mother and sister’s support.

Become a mother

If time can come back, it’s hard to say whether these mothers will make the same choice again when they know they are pregnant. This is a “no return” that is difficult for people who have not become mothers to understand. For example, the British writer Rachel Kaske wrote in his pregnancy record “Becoming a Mother”, “I don’t know how much the experience of pregnancy and birth has a impact on the concept of gender equality. The birth of a child not only distinguishes between a woman and a man. When it comes, it also separates women from women… When a child is around, she can’t do it herself; she can’t do it when she’s not there.”

Before becoming a single mother, Xu Ming was a screenwriter professional. After she had volunteered to meet with her ex-husband (then a boyfriend) and became pregnant, she knew that he would not be a person who could spend the rest of his life. But before going to the hospital for abortion, she was disheartened by seeing a row of models from the embryo to the baby in the clinic. In the end, she graduated from undergraduate education and went to divorce to become a single mother in the master’s defense. Zhang Ping had been pregnant with her children several times in the 10 years since she was 25 years old. Once again, she was aborted because her husband thought that her financial ability was not enough to raise her baby. At the age of 35, she decided to give birth to her children and was informed by her leaders that she lost her promotion. And an opportunity to increase one-third of the salary.

Liu Ying, an unmarried mother who was widely reported in the media in the past few years, met a 25-year-old programmer online at the age of 41 and was pregnant with her children. Then the man disappeared. Because she could not provide the paternity test between the man and the child and could not pay the social support, Liu Ying’s daughter was a “black household” until she was 6 years old. When she found a lawyer to tell the street office and the police station, it caused a sigh of relief . In 2016, the State Council issued the “Opinions on Solving the Problem of Registered Accounts for Non-Accountants”, clarifying that children born out of non-marriage can voluntarily settle with their parents or with their mothers. Only one parent and the same child will issue a certificate at the regular paternity assessment agency.) Now Liu Ying told the “People” reporter that she had a companion when she gave birth to a child.

As a kind of single mother who disappeared from the authority statistics of professional institutions and departments, unmarried mothers are the “hardest hit areas” in the newly added vulnerable groups of the city, both in public opinion and in the material and mental state of the individual. Four years ago, the unmarried mother who worked in an art institution gave a report on the birth cause that she was about to greet. The time, economic, psychological and other costs were put into the form, and she took the deposit of 100,000 yuan in her hand. I designed everything myself, including Plan B and Plan C. However, when she was pregnant in March, she encountered a problem D: there is no birth permit, and it is impossible to do a birth check in a public hospital. The primary material for applying for a birth permit is the marriage certificate. Production in private hospitals means that the cost of birth for thousands of units in public hospitals has risen directly to 50,000 to 60,000 yuan. In order not to hang up an emergency department in a public hospital like a friend, she started a high-cost Plan D.

The lady with “nosed nose” also had no marriage certificate, birth certificate and other proofs. After being rejected in several districts, she had to receive the registration information of her own public hospital for the first time. In order to save a few hundred dollars in hospitalization expenses, she made up her mind to rush to the hospital for more than 200 yuan in a painful period two days after the expected date of delivery. A person hangs up at 5 or 6 in the morning and gave birth to a child at 7 or 8 that night.

No matter what the reason is to become a single mother, they often face a heavy psychological burden. Every year on New Year’s Eve, there are always some single mothers who live with their children in a hotel near their parents’ homes. The family thinks they are unlucky to go home this day, and sometimes they need to avoid the occasions and the wedding of friends. A single mother and husband who lived in Xicheng District were once “model couples” in the eyes of friends. In a few months, because of the rapid emergence of “Little Three”, the sudden change made her almost become an alcoholic, wanting to be mental The consultation can’t afford the cost.

Some psychological anxiety and panic may be unique to a single mother. When you want to protect yourself, you must protect your little life. The first thing that Ms. Qin, who lives in Beijing, moves every time is to check the doors and windows. As long as there is a problem with the window handle, she will replace the entire window. When the aunt came to clean, it should not be found that this is a single-parent family. There are three toothbrushes and cups in the toilet, wedding photos hanging on the bed, and even the big pants worn by men are still hanging on the clothes line. . When misunderstood as saying that she was worried about being discriminated against, Ms. Qin was excited to argue: this is all for the safety of children.

For work reasons, Pan Molly began to exercise her ability to be alone at home when she was five or six years old. She tried a little bit, from half an hour to go shopping, to an hour, 2 hours or even a day. No matter what she is doing, she always looks at the address location sent by her daughter’s phone watch on the mobile app from time to time. After a few times with her daughter, she was immediately rushed home, and because she had explained her daughter in advance to lock the door, she could only open the window and jump into the window. She found that her daughter was only asleep.

There are still a variety of potential concerns for mothers who can afford a babysitter at home, have parents to help them, and can theoretically switch to family and work. Once the gallery owner Ding Wei changed 10 babysitters in the years after the child was born, one of them was because she found that she wiped the child’s face with a paper towel that wiped her nose. The other moment of expulsion was more sensitive and subtle: once the nanny pushed the stroller and a bus came, the first reaction of the nanny was to block himself with a stroller. Now Ding Wei takes care of the children alone. When he is on a business trip, he will deliver the children’s clothing supplies to the business trip in advance. After that, he will spend more than 200 yuan to buy a baby carriage in the area.

Yin Shan, who worked in the LV marketing department, earned 1 million a year. Before her daughter was 6 years old, she thought she could provide her with the best of everything by trying to further improve her annual salary: the equivalent of her own fitness card spending for the whole year; Big one-on-one ballet and yoga classes; and luxury brands such as Baby Dior that are usually worn. Until she accidentally discovered that her daughter, Aisha, who loves to watch, is not only animated, but also the real version contains a strange story such as jumping off the building, and finds that her daughter has developed various bad habits under the supervision of her parents. She has since decided to take her daughter no matter which country she is on a business trip, and to take time off during class.

Shanghai Mama, who had worked in Japan, temporarily solved her anxiety. She did not care for her children at home. She decided to find a design job in Japan and took her daughter to Osaka to live alone. There, infants over 6 months can apply to enter a well-managed nursery. In the nursery school where Otsuka’s daughter is located, the tuition fee for the previous month was 2,000 yen (about RMB 123). After school at 6:30 every night, you can spend a few hundred yen for the evening. Single-parent and dual-employee families are the preferred admission groups for nursery schools.

About father

A few years ago, a post appeared on a community in Wangjing: “I am a divorced lady, a master’s degree, a profession is a teacher, there is a room with a car, a Beijing account… I want to officially recruit a new life, but consider it again and again. I feel that it is too difficult to remarriage with a child’s divorced woman. For the sake of my son, I would like to have a “wedding weekend” and have a half-day free time on the weekend. I can accompany my child to go out to play with me.” The poster found the 3-year-old son to go out. When playing, I often turn around other children’s fathers. A mother in Shenzhen also rented her father to accompany her daughter to the Children’s Day at the school for 500 yuan a day on a private website. When I heard this request, the person in charge of the website said that it was not surprising that there was an adult man who asked to rent a father to accompany him to see the woman’s parents.

On the Chinese refereeing documents, the “father” has never been absent – almost every day, there will be divorce disputes between the husband and wife on the custody of the child. Seasonal, winter and summer vacation may be the most concentrated time of the explosion. A father who was happy to take his son to spend the winter vacation but failed to do so asked the court to issue a notice of execution to the ex-wife. They had promised in the divorce judgment that they could pick up their son for no more than 10 days during the winter vacation. But when the judge carefully understands the details, talks with the child himself, and suggests that the father respects the child’s wishes, the winter vacation has passed and the court has to end the execution process. In another case, in order to live with her daughter, both parents have developed to grab the child and hide the child. Finally, according to the mediation of the judge, the child can only live with the mother in the first half of the year and live with the father in the second half.

Not every dispute can be so calm and closed. Sometimes the looting of children can even evolve into “Lao Lai”, fleeing or even jail. A single mother in Chengdu was included in the list of “untrusted executives” because she did not let her ex-husband visit the children twice a month. She found her own situation when she bought a train ticket. After a father sentenced her daughter to the ex-wife in the court, she was eager to take her away on her way to school and once fled with her daughter. Finally, he was sentenced to six months in prison for refusing to execute the judgment.

For some single mothers, there are also difficulties beyond jurisprudence. Xu Ming was still studying at the time of divorce, and there was no economic income. The child’s custody was awarded to her ex-husband who had had her family violence. After work, she took the 4-year-old son back and lived with her mother in a one-bedroom apartment on the outskirts of Beijing. Because of the lack of custody, the ex-husband’s visit to her son brought her great anxiety. Every time they hand over the children, they all agreed to meet at a subway station or a fast food restaurant – she moved twice, shunned the address carefully, and prepared a special pair of shoes for her son, the bottom of the white sneakers, 掰A small GPS chip is hidden behind the insole. After the son was picked up, she checked the location on the app every few minutes. If you hide in other clothes, it is easy to be replaced, but the shoes are different – you can hardly find the shoes that the child is suitable for.

And more children, even the troubles of both parents have never been. In a trial in Changsha, three fourteen- and five-year-old teenagers were detained to the court after being classified as nine-level disabled. Only three single mothers appeared in court, and all of them were not present. When the judge ruled that the child’s biological parents shared the liability, one of the fathers expressed dissatisfaction and considered that he had no obligation to supervise and raise.

In 2006, single mother Zhang Wenhua posted a friend’s notice in the newspaper, and recruited single-parent children to be friends. The child likes the computer. She also helped to apply for the domain name and made a website for “Caring for Single Parents”. In 2007, she once again made a notice, but this time she was looking for a child. During the Spring Festival, her son had not returned since he was brought back to his hometown by his ex-husband. When we contacted her, she worked as a labor dispatch at Shunyi Airport and was a free public counselor at a psychological institution. In May last year, her 24-year-old son committed suicide by jumping from a building.

Multiple family

Unmarried mothers now recommend a picture book “Different Family in the World” before the kindergarten. She hopes that the teacher will explain the children in the first class. Different families in the world are different. The family has a father, some families have mothers, some families have two fathers, some families have two mothers, some families have puppies, some families have kittens… For how to explain themselves to outsiders, she I am already familiar with the number of ways to deal with the problem: when we say that we are divorced, people will think that it should be for the sake of the children; when the man is stunned, people feel that they can change their evils and correct them; Only gambling, it is best to owe money tens of millions, they will say: right, Auntie supports you!

In 2015, Ye Zhou, a girl living in Beijing, broke up with her boyfriend at 17 weeks of pregnancy, but the two decided to give birth. According to the regulations at the time, due to the unmarried children, the two had to pay more than 40,000 social support fees to give the children an account. At that time, Ye Zhou, 33, and her 26-year-old boyfriend made an unexpected decision to launch crowdfunding on social support for social support, and each person was limited to 10 yuan. The crowdfunding project was removed after 16 hours, but it also left a new question about marriage and family structure.

A single mother of Liang, a poet in Guangzhou, met her current same-sex couple after raising her son for a few years. The other is a medical student. What makes Liang Shi tempted is that she has little knowledge. Liang Shi’s ex-husband is a typical “Mamabao man”—when his parents came to live, they even held a toothbrush and one person held a cup to brush his son’s teeth. Liang Shi, who came out from the marriage of his husband, discovered another possibility. They could take turns doing housework and taking children. They planned to settle in New Zealand after they had saved enough money for more than ten years. Anzhen, who works in Nanjing, is still in a state of confusion. On the one hand, same-sex partners give her help and comfort. On the other hand, she thinks that this relationship is insecure than a real marriage. In the past, marriage was a contract, and it was not a common fight. I felt terrible, and now she is worried that the quarrel is a complete goodbye. Her ex-wife also came from her hometown to help bring her children. After learning about the relationship between Anzhen and her partner, the old man did not react much. (Anzhen thinks that perhaps because she loves her granddaughter, she thinks that taking care of two people is more beneficial to her granddaughter). After coming to Nanjing to bring children, the old man seems to have also got rid of the original family. She and An Zhen learned to use a smart phone and learned to take the bus high-speed rail and get a little freedom.

Single mother Aihua worked in a print shop near her daughter’s school. The print shop was near the Civil Affairs Bureau and undertook the printing service for the divorce agreement. Every day from morning to night, at most, the store can come to more than 20 couples a day. In the divorce agreement, enter the reasons for divorce, property division and custody. The smooth one is as short as 10 minutes, and the slow one is needed to go back and forth. Changed to a few days, some hands up and even lifted the stool to swear. In the past, Aihua always acted as a mediator, persuaded not to persuade, and now see more men and women who come and go, she feels that she has already seen the marriage. Her goal is clear, starting with a little bit of learning PS and printing technology for herself and her children’s future, even when designing a small business card.

Ye Zhou, the single mother who once raised social support for the children, is still single, raising her daughter with her parents. The ex-boyfriend brings the children a few days a week, and both have their own dates. They still maintain friendship and often attend classes with their daughters on Saturday’s parent-child class. Although the identity of a single mother limits the possibility of Ye Zhou developing a stable relationship to some extent, she is willing to accept that she has a child who is consistent with her own ideas and understands the meaning of marriage and family more deeply. I feel that I have no obsession with a complete family. Many families have only superficial integrity, and the relationship between husband and wife is very good, but neither of them cares about children. Children are a burden to them. What is really important for a family is someone who really cares about each other.