My first thoughts on life

 It was probably late autumn when I was nine years old, because I was wearing very thin clothes and ran and played in the yard. I ran out of sweat and suffered wind again. I fell ill. The cheeks are burning hot, the head is dangling, I do n’t want to eat, I am afraid of the light, especially I ca n’t stand the buzzing voices of others … my mother put a bed for me in the outhouse, and there are a few coffee tables in front of the bed. Bottles of bitter medicines, delicious desserts and some big pears. Mom covered the handkerchief on the lampshade-well, that’s great!
  When it was time to fall asleep, my mother wore a thin blanket and touched my head with a very cool forehead. The spikes on the edge of the hanging blanket made my shoulders tickle. “It’s a little bit burnt, much better …” she said. In the half-light and half-dark lights, a soothing smile appeared on the mother’s hazy and gentle face.
  Finally, my mother helped me take the medicine, covered me with a quilt, and went back to sleep. Only me.
  I couldn’t fall asleep for a while, my mind was so messed up, like a mess of thread, I couldn’t draw a thread that I could think about clearly. The impressions left during the day are mixed up: the madman outside the yard, the ridiculous and terrible look always haunts me, and the cats, dragonflies, and then the elder brother beat me … Later, I think my brain is completely confused, what is it Don’t even think about it, I gradually felt heavy eyelids, feeling a few dazzling yellow pears on the coffee table especially dazzling, and the lights were also very annoying. Go to sleep, I reached out and turned off the light.
  blacken! Suddenly everything seemed invisible. Why is it so quiet and so comfortable … Moonlight seemed to have been peeping out of the window just now, and at this moment, it burrowed through the gap of the curtains that were not tightened, and touched the medicine bottle, the porcelain plate, and the brass door handle, emitting a faint hair Blue glare. How does the light make life seem so small, it only illuminates the side; and night, black, but suddenly makes the world so vast and infinitely deep?
  I did n’t understand this at that age, I just felt that the heavens and earth in this dark night were extremely mysterious; for me, such a small, helpless, lonely, this world of black holes seems to swallow me. At this moment, I felt that the bed underneath was gone, the room was gone, the ground was gone, everything was empty, everything was nowhere to be traced, and I was hanging in the sky in a trance, lying on soft clouds … Wide, an endless transparent dark blue, the cloud is also dark blue; far and near, and suddenly flickering like a star-like bright spot … How big is this day, it must have an end. ! Where is the side? What is outside that side? How old is it? Outside … Is it boundless? Who are we? Who am I?
  Where did I come from? Where have I been? What does it look like? How do I become this mine now? What will happen in the future? Growing up, as tall as Dad, doing things … grow up again, and finally?
  Suddenly, I felt like I was feeling cool all over. The monster with a long hair on my elder brother’s skinless pictorial appeared. It was a scary ghost story at any time. Come, cry out in silence: “Mom, mom …” The
  light suddenly turned on. Mom was standing in front of the bed. She looked at me inexplicably: “What’s wrong, having a nightmare? Don’t be afraid … kid, don’t be afraid.”
  She leaned over and pressed her forehead to my head. This time her forehead was not cold, but rather hot. “Okay, it’s gone.” She smiled broadly and tenderly.
  How is this going? I stared at her blankly, and I had the urge to hug her, but I only slightly lifted my chest, but my head was heavy like a lead, just left the pillow, and fell on the bed again.
  ”What are you doing? Just be careful, catch your cold again.” She said, sitting next to my bed, next to me, looking at me quietly, smiling all the time, and touching her cheeks and hair with her warm hands. I wanted to tell my mother what I had just thought, but for some reason, I couldn’t even say it.
  The dim light was silent on the medicine bottle, snack and yellow pear in front of the bed, and on the mother’s speechless and smiling face. She took my hand, and I couldn’t help but hold her hand tightly … I dare not think of those terrible and inexplicable things anymore.
  The crow perched on the big tree in the neighboring courtyard for some reason, mumbled vaguely for a while, and then calmed down again. The shadow of a cat walked by the moonlight twilight, and gradually, everything was still, blurred, faint, melted, and turned into an invisible, flowing, soft and confused smoke. I fell asleep unconsciously.
  A profound and difficult mystery has quietly remained in my heart from that night. Later, I realized that this was my first thought of life.